Saturday, March 26, 2011

March Mishigas

There is some speculation brewing that I cheated while filling out my NCAA college basketball brackets for the ____ Law Firm pool. Of course, there wouldn't be any such speculation if I was not completely crushing the hoop dreams of the partners, associates, their family and friends. Although I am not currently in the lead, I am dunking past the competition with the most potential points.

I am gearing up with my black socks, black sneakers, baggy shorts, and Fab Five swagger. And I am ready to cut down the net.

But, before I do, I would like to put the rumors to rest. Carol, please stop losing sleep. I did not cheat. It would not have even been possible for me to cheat. I spent a total of 10 seconds choosing my picks online. (How can I be so sure that I used only 10 seconds to make my choices? Because 10 seconds is the allotted interval in which I get anything done in my life that does not directly concern my 2 year old son. I go to the bathroom in 10 seconds, wash my hair in 10 seconds, and when that 11th second ticks, I have a toy car driving up my leg - or the shower door - whichever it may be. Time is up.)

And, if I were so inclined to cheat, trust me, I would have entered a pool with a much higher prize than the mere $140 offered by the ______ Law Firm (I'm not giving them free press here).

Although $140 is obviously chump change, I have a totally different perspective on the possibility of a payout should I win. I am going to collect that $140 as partial severance which the firm failed to pay me when they set me loose on "eternity leave" some time ago.

And, it is going to be quite a shanda.

Mark my words. Next year, there will be new rules requiring that ____ Law Firm pool applicants be actual law firm employees or direct blood relatives. The partners will completely ban ex-employees, such as me, in a manner as ruthless as the deletion of our names from the Firm Phone List without any mention of our departures.

But for now, I'm going to enjoy my road to the Final Four and beyond. Carol and all of you others, watch out, I'm coming for you!

I may not be a college basketball savant. But I am the brain behind the brackets. (I use the term "brain" loosely, as my total final game score prediction exceeded 200 points, which caused my husband to scold me that I was thinking NBA, not NCAA!)

However, now that I find myself closing in on victory, it's clearly my time. Pay me my severance and then sever me from all future pools.

I can accept those terms, Your Honor.

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