Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Mad Libs for a Mad Week

Potty training was a cinch.

"Okay, this morning we are going to wear these awesome underwear and all pee pees and poopies will go in the potty."

Cut to little boy jumping on bed in awesome underwear.  Checking himself out in full length mirror wearing awesome underwear.  Texting pics of himself in awesome underwear.

Then, shortly thereafter, things were not so awesome.

"No worries, buddy, everyone has accidents."  So we changed him into another pair of equally awesome underwear.

"But, Mommy, I'm ______ on the floor."

"It's okay, we'll just clean it up.  Remember the potty."

We did stickers, stamps, reading while sitting on the potty.  We heard Lightening McQueen rev up his engine on the special potty seat about a thousand times.

And still.

"I need to go ____!"

"Looks like we missed the boat on that one, buddy."

We dumped the ____ into the potty.  We threw out that formally awesome pair of underwear and changed into another pair.

Then we went to the shore.  We told our extended family that our boy was potty trained.

We came home from an hour outing to the supermarket to hear tales of ____ and _____ and narrowly missing the potty and our nephew running into the bathroom after our boy to see how a big boy goes ___ on the potty and oops, stepping in the ___ that was sitting on the floor.

"Mommy, I went ____ on the potty and just a little bit in my underwear!"

We apologized for the small footprints of ____ in the house, the cleaning up that was required, the mental anguish suffered by all present.

We returned from the shore and things were going astonishingly well on the pee pee front.  Still, the ___ was an enigma.  I warned his new camp counselor.  Kept tossing out those once awesome underwear.  Found some ____ on my floor.  Thought about calling pest control.

Then, took my little guys to the playground the other afternoon.  We were the only ones there, thank ___.  My boy climbed a gigantic curved ladder about 7 feet.  I had never seen him so agile or mature.

"Did you just climb that whole thing?" I yelled up, elated.

"YEP!  Cuz that's how BIG BOYS do it!" he told me.

Within 2 seconds of that bravado, "Mommy!!!  I need to make ____!"

Like only a superhero would, I whisked him from the high platform of the jungle gym and brought him down to Earth, while ripping his shorts down at the same time.  To do what?  _____ right on the playground?  (I'm sure you're asking.)  I had no choice.  No diapers.  No plastic bags.

But it was too late.

The ___ was already there waiting in the not at all awesome underwear.

"Get it out," he yelled.  I masterfully had him step out of the underwear.  Oops.  I did it again.  The ___ fell onto the wood chips at the playground.  Now I clearly needed a pooper scooper.  My boy had no shorts on at that moment and I was pulling out wipes from my stroller's basket.  My 8 month old was sitting in the stroller, looking up to the heavens, thinking, as Jenny in Forest Gump did, "Deah God, make me a bird so I can fly far far away...." And just at that moment, two twenty year old guys walked in our direction towards the basketball court nearby.

"Put these shorts on quickly!" I instructed.  I grabbed the underwear and wipes and scooped up the ___.  The basketball players just ___ at me as I walked ____ to the trash can and said to them, still somehow smiling, "Oh, the ___ of parenting!"