Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Bad News Babysitter

Our babysitter can now add "DUI" to her resume.

Let me clarify: our FORMER babysitter, A.K.A. CRAZY OLD NYMPHO NEIGHBOR LADY.

Yes, the woman who brags about her sexual exploits the way other senior citizens boast of the polyester slacks they bought on sale at Loehmanns, now has a DUI under her girdle. At least in theory anyway.

She confessed to my husband that she hopped behind the wheel of her car all boozed up and bumped into a neighbor's car. Her front end damage tells the whole story. It was so bad that she's now driving a rental car, which has developed mysterious dents over the past week.

Did I mention that CRAZY OLD NYMPHO NEIGHBOR LADY doesn't see well either? That's when she's NOT liquored up. She's had various eye surgeries over the past year and she should have her driver's license confiscated or at least locked up in a safe with tiny numbers that only someone with 20/20 vision could see.

CRAZY OLD NYMPHO NEIGHBOR LADY was sipping tea at the small table outside her home yesterday. It was an odd sight to see her with a teacup instead of a wine glass.

"This is my new drink," she cackled to my husband. "Because one glass of wine turns into two, two turns into three, and then I get in my car and . . . "

You know the rest.

" . . . I get in trouble," she giggled, rolling her one good eye.

You're probably wondering why we would ever in a million years have this nut babysit our precious boy. Two reasons: guilt and desperation.

From the moment she noticed my protruding belly, CRAZY OLD NYMPHO NEIGHBOR LADY begged us to babysit. And, one night, we had a rehearsal dinner to attend and no sitter in sight.

We justified to ourselves, "CRAZY OLD NYMPHO NEIGHBOR LADY has a very big heart, loves our baby and our baby, too, gets a big kick out of her, especially when she plays "Bom Bom Butz" with him and they head butt one another.

Maybe it would be okay, for just a couple of hours?"

We called her. Within seconds, she was banging on our door like a disgruntled Census worker.

"Okay, here are our cell phone numbers, here is his bottle . . . "

"Can I just throw it in the crib with him?" CRAZY OLD NYMPHO NEIGHBOR LADY pondered.

"No, they don't do it that way anymore, you need to hold him while he has his bottle," I explained patiently, trying to ignore the fact that my recently ironed hair was starting to frizz from beads of sweat at my hairline.

"And here is his blanket that he sleeps with." I handed her a soft breathable baby blanket.

"We're fine, we're fine! Go 'head, go have fun!" she cackled.

As our dinner rolled on hour after hour, I pictured CRAZY OLD NYMPHO NEIGHBOR LADY holding my baby on one skinny hip, smoking a cigarette, mixing a gin and tonic, while pulling sizzling Shrinky Dinks out of my oven.

I threw back a vodka cranberry. I imagined her feeding my baby Pop Rocks, chasing them with a bottle full of Pepsi, and showing my son how to cruise the Internet for porn.

He's gonna be a good lover! CRAZY OLD NYMPHO NEIGHBOR LADY once told me after my 8 month old patted her cheek, as most babies do.

"Okay, that's it, time to go home!" I announced to my husband abruptly. I pushed back my chair and said the fastest fifty goodbyes possible.

We found CRAZY OLD NYMPHO NEIGHBOR LADY with wild bedhead from being curled up asleep on our sofa.

"He didn't want to sleep!" she bellowed, cackling. "So I brought him back out to play!"

"Was he good?"

"He's a doll! An absolute doll!" she yelled to the entire neighborhood. (Maybe she has hearing problems too?)

As I thanked her and showed her to the door, my husband tiptoed into the nursery to check on our son.

"He's fine, babe, he sleeping like an angel . . . " he reported on his way back to the kitchen.

"Thank God," I replied.

"But . . .

"What?" I spun around.

"he was sleeping with this . . . " He held in his hands a KING SIZED chenille throw blanket that we keep on our sofa.



"That CRAZY OLD . . ."

She must have brought him out to play and he probably started sucking his thumb and fuzzing the nearest blanket in sight, and then she probably tried to pry it out of his hands before carrying him back to his crib. He clearly won that battle (if it was a battle at all) and she figured, what the hell? It's a blanket. He can have it in his crib with him.

"I need another drink."

"He's okay, he's fine," my husband smiled.


Okay, what should you take away from this cautionary tale?

1. Do not let anyone babysit your child out of guilt.
2. Do not let anyone babysit your child just because you're desperate for a sitter.
3. Avoid a babysitter who has at least one bum eye.
4. Avoid a babysitter who is approaching 80 years old and hits on your husband. Kind of.
5. Avoid a babysitter who has a DUI, or by the luck of the draw, avoided getting one. Don't go anywhere near her while she's in a vehicle.

As for CRAZY OLD NYMPHO NEIGHBOR LADY, she still holds a dear place in our hearts. However, she will never babysit my boy again and if she wants to come over and play, fine, but I am putting away my son's fleet of vehicles. If she wants to hop onto my baby's Harley, dump truck or red wagon, she'll need to pass a Breathalyzer first!

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